The Beginning

This is my first time i shared my personal story on medium. And my first time too for my english in this medium acc. I hope you don’t mind my messy writing. And if you can read this, it means i’m very confident posting it. I wrote it today January 3rd, 2023, the beginning of 2023.

I am a middle school teacher at one of private school in Indonesia. I am a woman with a petite body that always scares me when I have to interact and socialize with other people. People always insult me and look at my physique, I think when we grow up, people around us will never judge us physically but i was wrong.
People find it funny and make it as a joke, they think when they judge other, the object will laugh together and don’t take it seriously. As a teacher, i know that i always become center of attention by my students, student’s parent, work partner, and much more, that means i always become bullying object.

It makes me tired and wanna end this work. At first i assumed adults will look at our personality as person, look at my attitude, and look at me with the talent i have. But, they look at me physically, judge me, and the worst is bullying me.

I was a victim of bullying from kindergarten until high school, so i don’t have any friends who supports me, the climax was when i moved schools during high school because i was bullied, i don’t remember how to smile and how to share my day with friends. But with that biggest fear i have, when i went college, i met good friends who never look at me physically. They have a good sense of humor and it infect me to be a humorous person. They were rough and look hooligans, but they have a warm heart. Spontanously i became a humorous person and take it to my environment. So it became my defense when i was bullied. It works when someone put me down and thinks it’s a joke, i make humor into my weapon and bullying changed into a joke. Honestly it hurts me, i have to wear a mask for protect my mind and my feelings. But the humor in my self become my natural character. My self will change the character into humorous person when i step out from my house. I swear it just happened naturally. And when i’m home, my character turned into the gloomy me.
I swear ‘m tired, because become a teacher you must look happy and enthusiastic. And the environment will never favor your mood, naturally when i make the bullying as a joke, people around me think i’m not offended and make it reasonable, people consider that i take it for granted.

I dunno what must i say to my sorroundings, i just cry at night.